I’ve been so productive the last week and a half, I’m intimidating my own self. Seriously! I told you last week that I was overhauling my pantry and getting it organized, and then I did something I almost never do: I did it!

If you get my emails, you got the before and after pictures in your inbox yesterday.

But here’s what I want to talk to you about today: this getting-offended-super-delicate-and-thin-skinned-over-the-top-political-correctness bullshit.

I’m ready for people to get their sense of humor back.

I’m ready for the judgy looks, the supersensitive comments on social media, and the pious pop of a hand over a gasping mouth when someone says something edgy - or even not - to stop.

Just… stop.

Nobody’s got a sense of humor anymore - and the ones who do have pretty much lost their giant set of swinging balls and censor themselves out of fear of being lambasted every time they utter something funny.

And let’s put those nipples away, mkay? Jesus.

I swear to sweet fancy Moses, people get offended by every little change in wind direction these days and it’s making me want to rip out every single one of these eyelashes I pay very good money for in an effort to look like I actually have some estrogen left.

For example - my friend and I were walking through IKEA this weekend, just minding our own business, and when we rounded a corner, sha-zowy! We were hit right in the face, almost literally (except that there was a baby in the way) with a giant, milk-swollen, and fully naked boob.

It wasn’t even quasi-covered by a suckling babe. The mom wasn’t being discreet at all.

In fact, she was half-nekky, holding one arm under her baby, who wasn’t even attached, but was desperate to be, and was moving its head around in the air, its sweet little mouth open like a baby bird, searching, searching for a nipple - meanwhile this lady was weaving through the Billy Bookcases and her boob was rolling around so much I felt like we got front row seats at The Landing Strip and I actually started pulling singles out of my purse.

I mean - and I know this isn’t a popular thing to say in this day and age - but looka-here: we did not want to see it.

I know, I know. A mother nursing her baby is beautiful and there’s nothing improper about it. It’s natural.

I agree, it is natural.

And so is peeing and pooping. But - even if I cleaned up after myself - I’m not going to do either of these right out in front of everybody.

Because I want a little privacy, for goodness sake.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about when someone’s sitting in a public place discreetly nursing their baby under a blanket or their top or something.

I’m talking about pulling your entire arm out of your shirt sleeve and pulling your shirt up over your shoulder, so that half your torso is exposed, along with an areola the size of a slice of salami.

This nursing thing is sort-of a tricky one, because it sounds hypocritical to say, considering my earlier-stated position on how easily offended people get, but I’m not offended by public nursing.

What I am is annoyed that some nursing moms get themselves half-naked and flop out their boob and take their sweet time affixing their child to their teet, and then they get all in a lather when people can’t peel their eyes away.

Some people, good grief.

*Photo courtesy Fox News: http://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/2018/09/21/sexy-maiden-costume-yanked-from-website-after-backlash-from-handmaids-tale-fans.html*

My brother sent me an email a few days ago with this news story about people all atwitter over a sexy handmaid’s costume, and… lawdy, I just can’t.

People were so much atwitter, in fact, that the costume company pulled it off their shelves.

There were actual real, live people who said, “We’re now beyond satire. ‘Sexy’ ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit. There’s nothing like fighting the patriarchy by sexualizing a show about misogyny and rape,” and, “Yes, this is what ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ was missing — more leg.”

I mean, FFS, people. Handmaids are not real.

And it’s just a stupid costume. There are sexy nun costumes, too. And I’m 100% sure there are people lighting it up in their social media feed about that.

Here’s a tip: if you are offended by a costume, DON’T BUY IT.

If you’re offended, then be offended. And then move on with your life. There is just no need to blather on about it and get into a comment war with people from all around the world, who are also slinging their nasty judgments out from behind their own keyboard.

Oh Lord, I’m getting all worked up.

There’s this podcast I listen to - My Favorite Murder - and I was also a member of their Facebook group until it was deleted because of racial posts.

I did see the original racially-offensive post and it wasn’t appropriate in the least.

I’m glad they removed it.

But before they took down the group, there was another train wreck happening, that began as a post about how offensive the My Favorite Murder summer t-shirt design was.

The shirt said something about “summer camp” or what-have-you and featured a teepee.

The post was about how offensive it was for them to use a teepee in their “summer camp” line.

There was a flurry of comments from people disagreeing (I was in this camp, no pun intended), and people agreeing with the original post, saying it was insensitive for the hosts of My Favorite Murder to have used a teepee on their t-shirt.

I was confused. Maybe it’s my white privilege*?

But I had to - should I be embarrassed to tell you this? 🤔 - I had to GOOGLE “why is a teepee offensive?” and I found that it’s because some First Nations (Native Americans, if that’s a less offensive term) find the use of teepees as cultural appropriation. A stereotype.

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, the national parks throughout our gorgeous melting pot of a country use a teepee as their universal symbol of designated camping grounds.

Some will argue that that’s a tent. It is probably true. It’s a teepee-shaped tent.

Because that’s how tents started.

They weren’t always fancy, two-room chateaus made by Coleman.

I mean, is it really cultural appropriation? Or is it cultural appreciation?

Or is it neither? Is it just a f*%king teepee?

We need to calm the eff down and stop being so damn defensive and so dad-gum delicate.

Life is too short to be angry all the time.

*Look, I’m not saying that to be an a-hole. Please don’t be offended by my use of this term. I’m a very sensitive and empathic person, and I’m all about complete acceptance and love for all races, religions, sexual and gender preferences, political beliefs, etc.

I realize that white privilege is a real thing, and I’m not naive to the fact that because I’m white, I may be ignorant to some of the sensitivities beholden by people of different cultures and heritages. I’m referring to my white privilege here not in a sarcastic way, but as a real potential reason why I didn’t know.

Get the martini in your mailbox!