Ok, guys - you have exactly six days to get the mommas taken care of and show them how appreciative you are of all the b.s. you’ve put them through.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking Mom wants a new coffee mug. Unless it’s funny, like this one:
And I promise she’s not been losing sleep wondering if this is the year she gets an engraved snow globe or any jewelry etched with “World’s Best Mom.”
Here’s what moms really want:
Buy her her favorite bottle of wine or get her a gift card to her favorite place for drinks - like Torchy's for their delicious Torchy’s Tini’s. And don’t be cheap. Get her the good stuff that you know she likes.
Keep in mind, she might want to put the gift card to use by going out with her girlfriends and not the gift-giver, and that’s going to have to be ok. Who she chooses to take on her bender is part of the gift.
Get her a gift card to a spa or massage place in your area, and then don’t be a jerk when she goes to use it. The spa experience should extend into the evening, so other family members need to pick up the slack on Mom’s spa day: make dinner, help with homework, etc. She needs to be completely off duty on her spa day, otherwise the gift is null and void.
Microblading or Botox
This one’s especially for the moms who danced at prom to Bon Jovi’s “Never Say Goodbye,” or Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” because she’s likely got permanent eyebrow damage from the over-tweezing trend of her teen years, and I know for a fact she’s got crow’s feet cookin’.
I’m sorry if you don’t have Tiff's in your area, because there is nothing in this world more meaningful than receiving a box of warm chocolate chip cookies delivered right to your door.
You’ll need to get her two dozen and you’ll need to follow her lead as to whether you can have any. Don’t be overtly judgy if she keeps the entire box for herself.
A note from the children saying thanks or “you were right about __”
This one’s for the moms of older kids.
Thank your mom for holding you tight when you cried your eyes out over that loser she’d warned you about, and never once said, “I told you so.”
Thank her for taking off work and picking you up from school just because she was worried about you when you went through some heavy girl drama.
Thank her for helping push you through the fear of calling in sick to work so the two of you could go wedding dress shopping by saying, “Jesus Christ, tell them you have diarrhea - haven’t I taught you anything?”
Thank her for all the big moments in your life where she stood right by you, cheering you on, but also being the voice of reason and reality.
But also thank her for the day-to-day little moments. For brushing tangles out of your hair and for listening to you screech, “Ow!” and “Aagh!” because you were suddenly tender-headed.
For teaching you how to make perfect scrambled eggs and for making sure you had clean fingernails and that your outfit matched.
Thank her for hand-scooping poop out of the bathtub when you were a toddler, and for cleaning up the floors when you had a virus and didn’t make it to the toilet before your mouth exploded its poison.
Tell her she was right about tomatoes going “mealy” when they’re stored in the fridge.
Tell her she was right to have put her foot down and said no to a spring break trip that “everyone else” was going on, and that spurred a month-long silent treatment.
Tell her she was right when she said, “You’ll understand when you have children of your own.”